the next step

June 30, 2009
The end of another month arrives. Tomorrow we begin a new month by heading for a new destination. We’ve been going back and forth about where to go next. We thought maybe Pullman, but then we discovered that it’s a 6 hour drive and we really didn’t care to do that. I thought we’d looked up the mileage before and found it to be only 250 miles or so, but it turns out that it’s really about 100 miles farther than that. I am either hallucinating or just getting very confused! Anyway, we realized that there is really no need to go great distances in one day--at least at this point--and to tell you the truth, six hours in the truck on a hot day doesn’t seem appealing. So I looked on a map and found Yakima was closer. The search for a campground began. There didn’t seem to be anything much coming up as a result of the Google search, so I said we might as well go on up to Ellensburg, which is about 40 miles up the road. They have a campground there and we were able to get reservations. We’ll stay for a couple of days and then move on to Spokane. We managed to reserve the last tent site at the campground there. I felt that with the holiday weekend coming up, it was a good time for reservations. I really do not want to be driving around searching for a camping spot that has a tent site available. So this will work out. We will be in Spokane until July 7, so will attend meeting there on Sunday.
We will have to try and time things right so that we don’t end up in whatever rush hour traffic there is in these places. We’ve spent a couple of days now dealing with Portland traffic and it’s not at all fun! It was not this bad when we lived here. Then again, we never traveled around during rush hour. We’ve picked Heather up at the transit center for the last couple of days at 4 o’clock. Yesterday wasn’t too bad, although it was bad enough for Bill to get really stressed out at having to drive in it. Today was a different story. There was an accident on the Washington side of the northbound freeway bridge, so what should have been a 15-minute ride back to my friend’s house turned out to be a 45-minute ride in stop-and-go traffic. Bill kept repeating that he would never live in a place where he had to do this every day. I was just hoping it would be over soon. Bill had the radio on and some guy was rambling on about basketball and repeating the fact that Yao Ming was a science experiment. Whatever, dude. I can see how people can easily fall into anger and road rage. I wasn’t even driving and I was highly annoyed. I was quite relieved when he turned the radio off. After awhile we passed the accident scene and it didn’t look too bad, although there was an ambulance. It didn’t seem as though there was any urgency about things, though. Just in case, I sent some good thoughts into the universe for a good outcome.
It’s been really fun visiting with Ellen and Brigg. I have enjoyed our conversations and appreciated their hospitality. It’s also been an experience revisiting some old stomping grounds and realizing that I’ve moved on. You can’t step in the same river twice as the saying goes. And before this trip, I would have put Portland down as the best place I ever lived. I suppose compared to the other places, it would still be the best, but it doesn’t hold the appeal for me that it once did. Life goes on; people change; and nothing remains the same. This is a good lesson for me to learn right about now. In many ways, we are starting over in our life together. Our first big move was from New Hampshire to Portland. Now we’re going back the other way. As I do that, it is good for me to see with my own eyes that this part of my life really is over. It was fun while I was living it. But I’m not the same person I was when I lived here. I will never be that person again. So it’s time to turn around and move in a different direction. And so I go from Ellen’s to Ellensburg for the next step in the journey!

Freedom Friends

June 28
Started off the day with some great coffee, homemade blueberry pancakes, a cloudy sky, and conversation. At about 9, we hopped into the truck and headed south. We headed over the bridge and into Oregon, dropping our daughter off at the transit mall so she could spend the day in Portland. Then we went on to Salem. We found the church and rushed through the door rather breathlessly, because it was just about 10:30 and we didn’t want to walk in late. It was a small group, but there was a really good vibe there. It was different than what we are used to, but still good. I enjoyed the way they focused on gratitude in the prayer time. I think that’s so important and often overlooked or considered as a kind of an afterthought. I think that somehow we tend to obsess about what’s going wrong as we see it and we forget to pay attention to what’s going well. But if we can shift our thinking to the things we are grateful for, we can find joy and peace, even in the middle of a hard experience. There was time to talk about the things that aren’t so great, too, but they started with gratitude and I thought that was a powerful thing.
After the meeting for worship, we were able to spend a couple of hours with the pastor of the meeting and the presiding clerk. We had a great conversation and we were grateful that they took the time to talk to us. We learned something about how they started the church and why and how it has been progressing. They can tell it better than I can, so I recommend that you check out their website at www.freedomfriends.org They are a very welcoming and inclusive church and if anyone is looking for a church on a Sunday morning in Salem, Oregon, I can happily suggest that one. They are in a funky little building right near 13th St. And they even have a neon OPEN sign in the window.
As I was riding down the freeway, I was struck by how familiar everything seemed. We lived in Portland from 1987-1995 and I have driven down that road countless times. Now, yesterday when we drove off the freeway and through our old neighborhood, there was much that seemed totally foreign, but still other stuff that made it seem as though I’d only been gone a week. But what struck me the most yesterday was how agitated I felt almost immediately upon entering the city. There were too many cars, too many buildings, too many people, too many things going on. I marveled that I used to actually live in that environment and thought nothing of it. Now that I have been away from it for 14 years, it all seems different. Today, though, we were on the freeway and there wasn’t much of that. There was what seemed like a great deal of traffic for a Sunday morning, but other than that, it all just seemed like something I had done one time too many. The funny thing is, I enjoyed living in Portland. If someone had asked me the best place I’d lived, I would have named that as the place. And now it was just someplace that I was done with. That’s the thing. I was flooded with the knowledge that it is simply time to move on. I know that I am in the process of doing just that, so all I have to do is proceed. Still, there was a twinge of sadness as there is when you realize that something you valued is over.
And so we move on, with a big thank you to Freedom Friends for a great Sunday morning experience and for being so welcoming.

the next place

June 27
Left The Dalles this morning. Before we did we had a nice visit with our hosts, a friend’s brother and sister-in-law, Larry and Paula, over coffee. They were so nice to us and very welcoming--wonderful people. We enjoyed meeting them and seeing the town, which we had only driven by in the past. And we so appreciated their warmth and hospitality. Both of us are still trying to get used to this new life. It is a weird thing--it seemed like all we did was talk about doing this project for a month and a half. It was as though that was all we were going to get to do--talk. Then came a flurry of activity that picked up as we got closer to a departure date, but somehow it still seemed like actually leaving was some sort of distant thing. Even on Thursday, I woke up and reminded myself that I would not go to sleep in the same bed I woke up in. The day had arrived. It still didn’t seem real. Then we were on the road. In some ways it was like it was never going to happen and in others, it all happened in an instant. And now we’re in the midst of it and it is unfolding with each passing moment. The thing is, even with all of that planning, we are still kind of feeling our way along and figuring it out. That is how it should be. Even if we had planned even more, there’s no way to plan for every possible thing, so it’s best to plan for uncertainty and flexibility.
So now we’re in Vancouver, Washington at the home of an old friend of mine from grad school, Ellen, and her husband, Brigg. We had a chance to visit and ate a delicious meal. Everyone is kind of tired, so we all decided to just veg out after dinner. I am looking forward to being able to talk more with them over the next few days. We are also enjoying getting to bond with their two cats, Ollie and Cocoa. They are quite friendly and we’re told they may decide to keep us company as we sleep. I think all of us are kind of hoping that this will be the case.
Tomorrow we head for Salem and the Freedom Friends church, but not until we‘ve eaten a breakfast of homemade blueberry pancakes.

Resting

June 26
I woke up this morning and realized that I have no house or apartment keys to carry around with me. We have no home in the traditional sense of the word. Home now consists of the three of us, our truck and tents. There is an amazing sense of freedom in that. I am starting to see that with a little rest and a few days, I could really embrace this whole thing. Not that I haven’t been excited about it in the time leading up to our departure, but it was easy to get wrapped up in the details of planning and preparation and to forget about what we were preparing for! I suppose that’s good--then it was time to prepare and now that is done and it’s time to experience what we have been preparing for.
We had some ideas about what kinds of things we could do on our day here in The Dalles. But the other day a friend suggested to us that the first order of business should be to rest. The old me would have never been able to do such a thing. She would have pushed herself to get something accomplished and then eventually been too tired to function or gotten a migraine or something. But this is not the old me. I realized today that this friend was absolutely right--we do need to rest. So after breakfast, we took a walk into town and just looked at what was there. It seems like a nice little place. It was about a five mile walk--downhill on the way in and uphill on the way back. It was nice to walk. We’d been taking the truck so much to do what we had to do and not had much time to walk the way we used to. Now it’s afternoon and I am sitting on a lovely deck with a breeze from the Columbia River blowing through the garden. I might make some coffee. I can do that because we unloaded half the truck this morning to rearrange things. Yesterday we put in the big stuff, realized what big stuff we couldn’t take, and then started putting other stuff on top of what was there. Then Bill decided to stick in some of the smaller stuff we thought we didn’t have room for. I did not know this. So when he handed me a pillow last night as we were removing our backpacks, I almost dropped it because it was heavier than a pillow! Turns out he’d grabbed a pillow and wrapped a lamp that used to be his late aunt’s inside the case. Good thing he mentioned it, because it almost hit the ground! Anyway, things are much more accessible now. I am avoiding the thought of where I will put the books I removed from the box before we shoved that further back into the truck. That will be an issue for tomorrow morning. For now I am just going to savor the afternoon, knowing that I don’t have to be anywhere and I don’t have to do anything. It doesn’t really matter what time it is. I can get some of that rest I need so much right now and gather my thoughts for the coming days. And maybe I’ll even read on of those books I took from the box this morning!

and they're off...

June 25
Finally, we’re off! It feels like eons ago that we decided we would do this project and even longer than that since we knew we wanted to leave Klamath Falls and now it seems that suddenly, the day is upon us. It was a busy one and by the time we left, I felt kind of numb. It has been a very long process and it’s actually hard to believe that we are gone.
We brought our cat to her foster home where she will be until another person can be found for her. So it was another sad good-bye. It feels like all I have been doing for a week is saying good-bye to important people in my life and crying.
Then came the fun part--loading the truck. We had to leave some stuff behind, of course, since there was more stuff and less room than we figured on. But we got what was important loaded into the truck, leaving enough space for the people to squeeze themselves in, and we headed out at about 2. We drove through some familiar territory and then into parts of Oregon where I had never been, arriving at The Dalles at about 7:30. We got out what we needed from the back of the truck and sort of vegged out for a few hours before going to bed. It just doesn’t seem real. I kept thinking about the fact that it feels so weird to be not exactly on vacation, because there’s no place I am going back to at the end of it all. I have nowhere I need to be and no timetable beyond the next couple of days. As I looked at landscapes and places I had never seen before I felt a sense of wonder that for most of the next 3 months, that is exactly what I will be doing. And as I walked around what was my house for the last time, thinking about how much loss I had suffered there and how unhappy I’d been, I felt a heavy sadness inside. But at the same time, I could feel the little kernel of hope that has been growing for the past few months and I felt excited because this is the beginning of a new direction, or maybe it’s just a continuation of the old direction that is leading us further into who we are. I don’t know. But in any case, it’s a fresh start and it’s happening somewhere else. Or in many somewhere elses. I wonder how long it will take before it seems real.

Goodbye Miki

June 24
We woke up today dogless for the first time in 21 years. Yesterday we brought our dog to be euthanized. It was not something we wanted to do, but we knew it was best for her. She would get crazy in the truck and hating being out of her routine. Even while she was still with us, she knew something was going on as we ran around getting ready to leave and the boxes piled up. She did not do well with other people when we were not there, so we couldn’t try to find her a new home. She was 12 ½ and was slowing down. When the vet felt her leg just before she gave Miki the injection, she said she had a small tumor. She had a good life and a peaceful death, even though she was agitated in the 15 minutes before she went to sleep. We’ve spent a lot of time crying. Last night my sinuses were killing me as I lay in bed until after 2 a.m. not sleeping. It was something we dreaded, but knew we had to do. It is hard to believe she’s not here anymore--we keep thinking we see her or hear her tags jangling. Both of us are glad that we are leaving tomorrow so that we don’t have to be constantly reminded that she’s not here. Bill woke up at 4 a.m.--the time he would usually get up to let her outside. We came home from having dinner with a friend and she wasn’t shoving the drapes aside with her nose to look out the window. Both of us got into bed and lay at an angle, leaving a space at the bottom in the center where she would normally be sleeping. I realized today that it has been a decade of loss--animals that we had for some years began to die and though we had other animals, the pain is still there. I found myself thinking that since we will not have any four-legged-furry people of our own for awhile, I will not have to feel this again, at least for some time. There was a sense of relief in that.
We took some of her fur and that of the dog we lost a year and a half ago and scattered it in the peace garden at church.

Camping

June 21
We have been noticing camping gear for the past month or so as we have been gathering what we will need for the trip. We had a tent that was a couple of decades old. It got used when we lived in Portland , but not so much when we lived in Fairbanks. We used it a couple of times here and the last time we discovered it leaked when it rained really hard. Fortunately, it was set up in the backyard for us to sleep in during the hot summer nights, so instead of getting wet we could just go into the house! But we figured we would need a new one before heading out, so a couple of weeks ago, after looking at sale ads, we went and got one. It was a bit smaller than the old one--very basic and simple. But as always seems to be the case, once we started looking for tents, we saw them everywhere. Today they were all over the weekly ads. And we continue to be amazed at the kinds of tents they have! We had noticed before a shower/changing room tent. Also, a cottage tent. It had rooms and everything. Today there was a lodge tent, which is apparently somewhat bigger than the cottage. And they had a tent with closets! This seems like quite a concept. Closets in a tent! I can see that have a space to put your stuff that is out of the way might be a good thing, but it seems kind of amusing to think of it as a closet! Anyway, I have chuckled at the idea that you could go out for a camping trip and spend quite a bit of time setting up something like a whole little village. You could have your cottage and your lodge, which may or may not come with closets--the ad didn’t really say. You could set up your shower/changing room tent. Then there are the portable toilets and I suppose you would need to have some kind of tent like structure for that, unless you wanted to use one of the existing “rooms” in your lodge or cottage. Maybe one of the closets could serve as a bathroom. And you’d want one of the portable kitchens they have as well, though probably that would have to be outside. I am exhausted just thinking about it. I can see the utility of this stuff if you are going someplace and staying there for a fairly long period of time. But for a night or two, or even a few, it seems like a lot to go through. I knew that RVs were getting larger and fancier, but I honestly had no idea that the same thing was happening with tents. It’s a far cry from what it used to be. I wonder how it will all evolve.