Fog, Calm, Exile

September 9, 2009
I think there's something happening downtown today in honor of 09-09-09. I forget what it is. This is not surprising! I am walking around in a fog! This is not a bad thing, really, because it keeps me calm. Without my weariness, I would probably be completely stressed out at having to run around trying to find a place to live and settling in. But I'm too tired for that, so instead of being stressed, I am able to be very calm and composed. I know that things will unfold in their own good time. This morning I stuck my head into the back of the truck to get something—the peanut butter, I think—and I had to just stop and stand there for a minute as I tried to remember what I was doing. Eventually I found the peanut butter—how far could it have gone, after all—I just put it back there yesterday afternoon! After our experience in St. Ignace where the squirrel came and took our jar of peanut butter into the woods, I am very careful about leaving stuff out. So the back of the truck is now my moveable pantry.
We are back at the campground until Friday morning when there is rain expected. It's far less crowded now than it was when we left. It's a nice place. The bathrooms are clean and the beach and a bike path are right there. Lake Champlain is quite beautiful. Last night as the sun was setting over the lake, there were some clouds in the sky and there was a big orange sun lighting them from behind. Unfortunately, we were driving down Main St at the time and Bill was unable to get a photo. Maybe tonight. This morning, everything is very blue—the lake, the mountains across the lake, the sky. The lake looks a little choppy. And there is a slight hint of foliage on some of the trees at the campground. The squirrels are busy gathering food. You never know when acorns are going to rain down on your head, tent, or truck. Last week we watched two squirrels chasing each other in an effort to determine who would get a particular tree. They were running around and around the trunk of the tree in a spiral. It's been interesting to observe how different creatures behave. Back in Hardin, MT Bill dropped a walnut. Before long, the ants had organized themselves and were being very methodical as they swarmed the nut, taking away tiny pieces that were barely visible. They would march back in a procession to place these little pieces in their proper spots and then come back for another piece. We sat there for quite awhile watching them. Then Bill decided to freak them out by moving a small stone that they were walking over. It messed up their system and they had to regroup. But they did. By the next day, the nut was gone. Anyway, it's nice being outside after the motel room. The air is fresh and the scenery is beautiful.
Yesterday I got chatty emails from 3 friends in Klamath Falls. It made my day! I do not miss living there, but I do miss many people and it was nice to hear how things are going for them. And the fact that they all had good things to report was even better!
Today we have an appointment at 4 to go look at an apartment in Winooski, which is a couple of miles up the road. We realized right away that we might not be able to rent right in the city of Burlington, because of the two colleges. Rents are high and many apartments are not in good shape. And since there are two colleges right on Main St (!) scarcity is an issue. So we are prepared to look elsewhere. We're going to take a ride up to St Albans to see what that is like as well.
The other day I was finishing a book by Sam Keen called To a Dancing God. It's an old one, first written in 1970. In one part of the book he was talking about the idea of being in exile. This is something that I have thought about in terms of my own situation ever since I read Gerda Lerner's autobiography several years ago. Anyway, Keen was saying that people in exile either look back to the past and create a nostalgic glow around it, or they look forward to someday and figure their real life will start there. I do not look nostalgically back to my past—that has never been my problem. But I do end up doing the “someday” thing. I am not sure that I stop living in order to save it up for someday, but I do tend to be doing one thing and thinking about how it will impact the somedays in the future. I do spend a great deal of time planning. It fits in with my difficulties living in the moment and I think also has something to do with wanting to control outcomes. I had so little control as a kid that I always was trying to prepare myself for the (bad) things that were to come. When I got older, I tried to control things so that no bad things would happen. Not a successful enterprise. I would spend endless amounts of time figuring out what might happen and preparing for each and every thing I could think of. Problem was, if I thought of 27 things that might happen, it was usually something #29 that actually showed up, and naturally, I hadn't planned for that. So there I was. At least I know what I am doing now. I can see myself falling into that and stop myself when necessary. Or at least I try to stop myself by reminding myself that I have little or no control over most things. What I can control is my own response, so maybe the best thing would be for me to keep my mental self in good order so that I can deal with whatever comes up. This isn't easy for me. But I'm getting better at it and the truth is, it makes for a much better life. So I'll keep on plugging away at it!