One Moment at a Time

September 7, 2009
Feeling better today. There is much potential here in Burlington. I am trying not to get too excited, because I want to avoid a repeat of what happened when I moved to Klamath Falls. I figure this is a chance to do it better this time. There are some things I can do in order to try and move in a positive direction and tomorrow when I can get back online at the library, I will do them. And then I will take it one moment at a time. I'm not really good at that. But I'm getting better. When I was at my lowest point—2 years ago now—and I had to find some way of dealing with things, Buddhist concepts that I found in books and in podcasts really helped me. And they continue to do so today. With technology being what it is, there are a number of teachings available. I am grateful for this. I try to listen to a dharma talk most nights before I go to sleep. I find that many of the practices are very helpful in many ways as I go through my day-to-day life. It's just very empowering to realize that I have the ability to handle whatever happens in a healthy and productive way. I have known many people who do not handle their pain, but rather try to bury it. This never works of course, but people still try. The other night I was laying in the tent listening to a talk and the woman was talking about trusting yourself. One of the things she said was that we do not do a very good job of self-examination in this culture. Amen to that, sister! And yet, this is a crucial activity. We have to know who we are before we can engage in any meaningful way with others and the culture around us. I have a tendency to go too far in the opposite direction. I am always analyzing everything and I have spent much time in self-examination. This has not always been a good thing. So, like with everything else, balance is needed. There's a reason Buddhists talk about the Middle Path :-) Anyway, one thing I have learned about myself through all of this self-examination is that I am stronger than I thought I was. And I know what kind of life I want to live. Maybe I will be able to do it and maybe I won't. Some things are just out of my control. But what I do know is that I can deal with things as they come. And I have plenty of ideas in my head to keep myself occupied.
We did some laundry today. There was a sign up at the laundromat that said, “WiFi Available,” so I got out my computer and tried to connect. The only available network was labeled, “Doesn't Work and Easily Hacked.” Not a great sign. I skipped it and read instead while I waited for the laundry.
Other than that we didn't do too much. It was kind of nice, although this motel is not the most wonderful place I have ever been in. The other day our “neighbor” was screaming obscenities. I was waiting to hear gunshots or screams—I thought he was yelling at someone in person and was concerned about possible abuse. Then we heard him threaten to hang up and we knew he was on the phone. We leave in the morning. Assuming that there will be space at the campground once the holiday weekend has ended, we will go back there tomorrow. Then we will head to the library to post some things on Craigslist and send a few emails—I picked up a community education booklet the other day and want to contact them about the possibility of teaching a class or two through their program.. We will probably go to the South Burlington library instead of the one downtown because it's easier to park and you don't have to feed the meter. They have a very comfortable computer room with plugs. There's a whole lot of interesting stuff going on there, too. It's pretty amazing. It's a really small place in the high school building. You wouldn't expect it to have so much happening, but there are several book discussion groups, upcoming lectures on really interesting topics, and even a knitting group on Wednesday nights! I am looking forward to being able to attend some of these events.
Part of me is still tired. Yesterday I caught a look at myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth and had to take off my glasses to see whether the bags under my eyes really are multiplying or whether it was just the light. They were multiplying. But there's another part of me that doesn't really care about the weariness or the bags under my eyes and is just really interested in observing how this all turns out. This is certainly not a boring ride, this life. So even though I sometimes have a bad day, mostly I am grateful to be able to live it. As Bill would say, “It is what it is.” Might as well focus on the good parts and enjoy them!