Courageous?

We just got back from a visit with a friend, during which we shared coffee and conversation. She wanted to give us a good luck charm that was small enough to take with us and that would remind us of the people who are supporting and caring for us. She chose a small blue glass panda bear that has watched over her while she writes. We have been thrilled by the support and love being shown by her and many other people as we move toward our departure date. It is impossible to overstate how much it means to us.
At one point she mentioned that she thought that this is a courageous thing to do. This seems to be a common sentiment. But for me, it simply feels like what I must do--it doesn’t feel courageous at all. The thing is, after five years of torment here, the thought of what is coming seems exciting rather than daunting. Will there be moments of distress and discomfort? Sure. But I have had five years of that and more just existing here. I know that there will be moments when I am uncomfortable or when I have a series of interviews scheduled and I just don’t feel like going anywhere. There may be days when the most attractive thing would be to lounge around in or near my tent, reading and stitching, and I will have to drag myself somewhere else anyway to do some work. But that happens anywhere. And, the truth is, all I have to do is remember any one of a number of days that I spent dragging myself down Main Street yet again to go somewhere I did not want to go, and I will feel better. It is hard to express how very difficult these five years have been to people who have not experienced anything similar or who live here and like it, or who even live here and find it tolerable. For me, it has been excruciatingly intolerable and most days have been some kind of struggle. At least on the road, the scenery will be different. The challenges will be different. And it will all be wrapped up in the hope that things are looking up and that I can build a life, rather than hoping for continued existence.
Today is the fifth anniversary of our arrival in Klamath Falls. It has been the most difficult five years of my life. The only way I have been able to get this far is by constantly reminding myself that all is impermanent. Even when I didn’t believe it, I kept repeating it to myself. And so, while I recognize that there are challenges ahead, I also know that now, after this time of just hanging on and making it through one miserable day at a time, I am a very strong person. I will meet the challenges ahead. And when they come, I will acknowledge them, say a silent prayer of gratitude that I am somewhere else, dealing with something else and no longer in Klamath Falls, and then I will hunker down and proceed to solve the problem.

dealing with the unexpected

Recently, someone said to me, “Living in Klamath Falls is hard.” I was so struck by that comment because I have spent most of the last five years trying to come up with language that was adequate to describe how horrible my experience of this community has been. There it was in a nutshell—clear, concise, simple. Living in Klamath Falls is hard. Yes, indeed.
Though I have found it difficult right from the start, my lowest point occurred during the last 4 months of 2007. I found myself praying the same thing every night before I went to bed. “Please don’t let me wake up in the morning,” I would ask. Then it would be morning, I’d be awake, and I would lay there talking myself into getting up and performing my day. And it was a performance. I put on my plastic face, plodded through each excruciating minute, and looked forward to the moment when I could get back into bed. I spent a great deal of time lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and crying.
After this had gone on for awhile, I knew it could not go on much longer. I would have to make a choice about whether I even wanted to bother anymore. As I pondered this question, I discovered that I did indeed want to bother—but not like this. I wanted to have a life. And I knew that while I could exist here, I could not have a life. It was a start. From there I was able to begin tossing aside some of the excess baggage I’d been carrying around with me. I knew I would have to turn my attention elsewhere instead of focusing on Klamath Falls. So while I have been physically here for the past year and a half, in every other way, I have been somewhere else. I stopped reading the local paper, terminated—except in the most peripheral ways-- my involvement with everyplace except my church, and I simply got my information from other places—podcasts, websites, books, magazines, etc. This requires a great deal of effort and that is something I will always remember. It is exhausting to do what is required to be in a place like this and stay sane until you can get out. I am tired.
The next step was deciding that we would do what we have done in the past, which is to sell our house and use the proceeds from that to get us started in the next place, which was going to be Ireland. Not the right time for that as we quickly found out! The realtor came and gave us the news—the house is worth less than it was when we bought it five years ago and we owe more than it’s worth. It took a bit of time for the market to deteriorate here to the degree that it had done elsewhere, but it has done so now, and she expects this to last for two more years. So selling was out. So was staying. That meant that we would return the house to the person we bought it from and who was carrying the loan. It also meant that we had nothing financially speaking, since everything was put into the house. This was actually kind of freeing, since it left us with few choices to consider!
We decided to hit the road in our 19-year-old truck and camp at various places in our tent. We would have to figure out how to get money for gas and food along the way. This did not seem unappealing. Then as we were walking around town doing errands we started talking about doing a project while we’re out there. We could collect stories from people about how the economic situation has changed their lives—in both positive and difficult ways. We began to get excited about the idea. We told a few people. The next day after church we were taken to lunch and offered support for this trip! We were astounded and grateful! After that, we began to plan in earnest. The people who decided to support the trip told us that we could keep it between the five of us if we wanted to, but they thought other people in the church community would be interested too. We assured them that we had planned to tell others, but hadn’t had time yet. A couple of weeks later, we gave a presentation at church and the members agreed to set up a fund to which people could contribute if they wanted to. Every person we tell has been very enthusiastic about the idea. We have gotten all kinds of support—people have offered their good wishes, financial support, and donated things we need for the trip. It has been an amazing experience. So we are preparing to leave. And even though we’re still here, it’s been an amazing journey already!!
The prayer flag was created by Dawn Wood from the Klamath Falls Friends Church. Thanks Dawn :)