We just got back from a visit with a friend, during which we shared coffee and conversation. She wanted to give us a good luck charm that was small enough to take with us and that would remind us of the people who are supporting and caring for us. She chose a small blue glass panda bear that has watched over her while she writes. We have been thrilled by the support and love being shown by her and many other people as we move toward our departure date. It is impossible to overstate how much it means to us.
At one point she mentioned that she thought that this is a courageous thing to do. This seems to be a common sentiment. But for me, it simply feels like what I must do--it doesn’t feel courageous at all. The thing is, after five years of torment here, the thought of what is coming seems exciting rather than daunting. Will there be moments of distress and discomfort? Sure. But I have had five years of that and more just existing here. I know that there will be moments when I am uncomfortable or when I have a series of interviews scheduled and I just don’t feel like going anywhere. There may be days when the most attractive thing would be to lounge around in or near my tent, reading and stitching, and I will have to drag myself somewhere else anyway to do some work. But that happens anywhere. And, the truth is, all I have to do is remember any one of a number of days that I spent dragging myself down Main Street yet again to go somewhere I did not want to go, and I will feel better. It is hard to express how very difficult these five years have been to people who have not experienced anything similar or who live here and like it, or who even live here and find it tolerable. For me, it has been excruciatingly intolerable and most days have been some kind of struggle. At least on the road, the scenery will be different. The challenges will be different. And it will all be wrapped up in the hope that things are looking up and that I can build a life, rather than hoping for continued existence.
Today is the fifth anniversary of our arrival in Klamath Falls. It has been the most difficult five years of my life. The only way I have been able to get this far is by constantly reminding myself that all is impermanent. Even when I didn’t believe it, I kept repeating it to myself. And so, while I recognize that there are challenges ahead, I also know that now, after this time of just hanging on and making it through one miserable day at a time, I am a very strong person. I will meet the challenges ahead. And when they come, I will acknowledge them, say a silent prayer of gratitude that I am somewhere else, dealing with something else and no longer in Klamath Falls, and then I will hunker down and proceed to solve the problem.
