Control

It’s funny all the little things you start thinking about when you’re trying to plan an extended camping trip. Yesterday I dragged some mp3 music files--Bach, Beethoven, Haydn--to my jump drive so I could put it on my little computer and then onto my mp3 player if and when I wanted it. Suddenly I had a vision of myself relaxing in the tent, hearing a breeze dance through the surrounding trees and needing a Bach fix. It’s kind of like my thoughts yesterday about always wanting to be organized and prepared--for any eventuality. But of course, stuff happens and the one thing that wasn’t thought about is the thing that will happen. I have some of my classical music available, but it is perfectly possible that I will want none of that when the time comes and decide that what I really want to listen to is something I didn’t make easily accessible. Oh well, I will survive! It’s the same with the books I have packed in my milk crate, which will go on top so I can reach it whenever I need it. I have no doubt that at some point on this trip, I will look at what is there and say, “I don’t want to read any of this. Why didn’t I bring that other book?” And of course, that other book will be packed away and inaccessible. That’s life. No matter how much we try to plan in advance, we can’t plan for everything. No matter how much control we think we gain by doing this, we really have very little, at least over the particular circumstance that will magically appear to throw us for a loop. And even if something has worked well in the past, that does not mean it will continue to work well.
We had our plan in place, and it was one that had worked before. We’d live in our house until it was time to move on, then we’d sell it and use the proceeds to get settled in a new place. We had done this three times in the past 20 years and it had worked fine. This time was different. And frankly, I had little control over the circumstances that led to the situation being what it is for us.
And yet, I did have some control, not over the circumstances themselves, but over how I would respond to them. I could choose to wring my hands and get upset. And at first, I will admit, I was feeling some pain. My experience here has been so horrible that the idea that even this dream had been taken from me was hard. I cried. I gave myself permission to take most of a day to grieve what I had lost. But I knew that this wouldn’t be useful in the long run. So I stopped that and realized that I could still do all of the things I was planning to do--I just couldn’t do them right now. It wasn’t time. But it was time for this great other thing that I would do instead. Now I would get to do that and go to Ireland later--I could have both experiences. And that’s the key--all I could control was my own response to the crisis. I chose to do something positive instead of spending a great deal of time agonizing over what was not happening. It was a choice. That is one of the biggest lessons I will take from this place. I am stronger than I thought and I can never plan for every possible eventuality. All I can do is develop my own sense of mindfulness, awareness, and inner strength, which will allow me to take things as they come and make a joyful and peaceful life in the midst of whatever happens to show up. That’s where I have control. But it’s up to me to develop that and act on it.